Mon. June 23, 2014

Nolan Update: 

He has been doing spectacular! This weekend he clapped on his own for the first time. He was so proud that he made bubbles all by himself! It was amazing and I teared up a bit. He’s also been finger painting and using a paintbrush over the last couple of weeks, playing with playdoh and interacting more with us in a more humorous way. He adores the summer and being outside, and will spend hours upon hours outdoors. As far as his therapies go, he loves his therapists and I can see how greatly he’s improved in just a short time. I absolutely love the little man he’s becoming. 

He’s also been vocalizing more - saying HEH for Help, MIK for Milk, UH for Up, BUHH for Ball, OHHHP for Open and More for More (lol yay). No Mama or Dada yet, but that’s okay, because I say give Mama kisses and I get kisses right on the lips. I’ll take it. I love my monster <3

feel-dont-think:

Came home this morning and for the first time Nolan ran to give me an unsolicited hug and kiss hello. 

Cue insta-mommy tears right… now.

I made a mommy friend today and I know that seems silly to write about but it’s so hard for me to make friends and I’m excited. 

carameloo replied to your post “I want to break down in tears all the time from being overwhelmed. My…”

<3 love and patience. faith.

Thank you <3 

I want to break down in tears all the time from being overwhelmed. My hand has been shaking the last few weeks from stress, and my throat has been closing from anxiety. I haven’t had a panic attack in many years but I feel it building in the heap of my chest and there is no way i’m going to be able to stop the waves once they come crashing in. 

I wonder often if I’m in denial. Maybe you’re worse than I see you as. Maybe I’ve perpetuated your behavior, albeit innocently. Maybe me thinking you’re simply a mild case is my own fear that you can be more severe than I can fathom to see. I just wish you could speak. I wish you could speak and tell me what you’re thinking, or seeing, or feeling. You have the most marvelous personality, and my deepest fear if that you can lose that completely.

I don’t want to lose you.

You’ll be getting ABA services within the next few weeks, and that alone is scary to me. They’re talking about 2 sessions a day, an hour and a half at a time. When do I get to be with my baby boy if they’re with you all the time? Then there’s speech on top of that and… it’s all so much. I’ve never been so scared and I don’t know who to talk to anymore. Your dad can’t comprehend it because he himself has Aspergers.

I just hope everything I do is for your benefit. I want you to be as perfect as I know you are. Breathing is just becoming difficult. Depression is setting in slowly about all the life changes we will be making this upcoming year. It’s a hard pill to swallow, especially for me. Me who had all these grandiose plans about beaches and lunches and parks. Me, who imagined my boy to be a little different than he is.

Perhaps that’s my hardest problem. Letting go of the idea of what I wanted you to be and letting in who you are. I just love you so much, and I want everyone to see you for the little man you are. I don’t want them to just see the label. I don’t want them to just see you as autistic or autism. You are Nolan. You have my heart. You are social and friendly and full of laughter. You are my happiness. You are my life.

I love you, Little Coo.   

Sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe.

Everything is overwhelming now, from my own personal self doubt to whether or not I’ll ever be able to help you like you need.

Researching autism, especially on the Internet, is one of the most depressing things I’ve ever done - and not because of the disease itself - but everyone’s testimonial.

Why is it all so depressing? Why is it always “they will most likely never get married” or “will most likely never have a family of their own” ? I can’t tell you how many sour outlooks I’ve seen now, and they’re terrifying me.

You’re so smart. You’re affectionate and love to laugh. If I look at you and smile, you giggle back. You come looking for me to comfort you.

Mainly it’s your imitation play and eye contact that worry the evaluators. But I’ve taught you how to manipulate many toys, and banging on your musical instruments are some of your favorite things.

I’m hoping whatever they see they can help reverse. I will do everything in my power to follow through on the ABA plan. Which is so hard as a mom, because I know what you want but I can’t always give it to you without you cooperating with me first.

We meet with the coordinator on the 31st. Until then, we work on your focusing, which is improving every single day.

I love you

It comes in waves

3/19/14

You were diagnosed on 3/14/14 with autism. I can’t say I was necessarily shocked, considering your father has Aspergers, but since then, it’s been an ocean of emotions coursing through my stomach.   

I can’t write much tonight simply because i’m too overwhelmed. I have words I want to say, yet I’m too tired to say them correctly. 

I just love you so much, and I know you are the best little boy I could have ever asked for. 

feel-dont-think:

#nolan gets ready for his #cakesmash.
feel-dont-think:

Little #Montessori man. Errr… #dinosaur? #happyhalloween!