carameloo replied to your post “I want to break down in tears all the time from being overwhelmed. My…”

<3 love and patience. faith.

Thank you <3 

I want to break down in tears all the time from being overwhelmed. My hand has been shaking the last few weeks from stress, and my throat has been closing from anxiety. I haven’t had a panic attack in many years but I feel it building in the heap of my chest and there is no way i’m going to be able to stop the waves once they come crashing in. 

I wonder often if I’m in denial. Maybe you’re worse than I see you as. Maybe I’ve perpetuated your behavior, albeit innocently. Maybe me thinking you’re simply a mild case is my own fear that you can be more severe than I can fathom to see. I just wish you could speak. I wish you could speak and tell me what you’re thinking, or seeing, or feeling. You have the most marvelous personality, and my deepest fear if that you can lose that completely.

I don’t want to lose you.

You’ll be getting ABA services within the next few weeks, and that alone is scary to me. They’re talking about 2 sessions a day, an hour and a half at a time. When do I get to be with my baby boy if they’re with you all the time? Then there’s speech on top of that and… it’s all so much. I’ve never been so scared and I don’t know who to talk to anymore. Your dad can’t comprehend it because he himself has Aspergers.

I just hope everything I do is for your benefit. I want you to be as perfect as I know you are. Breathing is just becoming difficult. Depression is setting in slowly about all the life changes we will be making this upcoming year. It’s a hard pill to swallow, especially for me. Me who had all these grandiose plans about beaches and lunches and parks. Me, who imagined my boy to be a little different than he is.

Perhaps that’s my hardest problem. Letting go of the idea of what I wanted you to be and letting in who you are. I just love you so much, and I want everyone to see you for the little man you are. I don’t want them to just see the label. I don’t want them to just see you as autistic or autism. You are Nolan. You have my heart. You are social and friendly and full of laughter. You are my happiness. You are my life.

I love you, Little Coo.   

Sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe.

Everything is overwhelming now, from my own personal self doubt to whether or not I’ll ever be able to help you like you need.

Researching autism, especially on the Internet, is one of the most depressing things I’ve ever done - and not because of the disease itself - but everyone’s testimonial.

Why is it all so depressing? Why is it always “they will most likely never get married” or “will most likely never have a family of their own” ? I can’t tell you how many sour outlooks I’ve seen now, and they’re terrifying me.

You’re so smart. You’re affectionate and love to laugh. If I look at you and smile, you giggle back. You come looking for me to comfort you.

Mainly it’s your imitation play and eye contact that worry the evaluators. But I’ve taught you how to manipulate many toys, and banging on your musical instruments are some of your favorite things.

I’m hoping whatever they see they can help reverse. I will do everything in my power to follow through on the ABA plan. Which is so hard as a mom, because I know what you want but I can’t always give it to you without you cooperating with me first.

We meet with the coordinator on the 31st. Until then, we work on your focusing, which is improving every single day.

I love you

It comes in waves

3/19/14

You were diagnosed on 3/14/14 with autism. I can’t say I was necessarily shocked, considering your father has Aspergers, but since then, it’s been an ocean of emotions coursing through my stomach.   

I can’t write much tonight simply because i’m too overwhelmed. I have words I want to say, yet I’m too tired to say them correctly. 

I just love you so much, and I know you are the best little boy I could have ever asked for. 

feel-dont-think:

#nolan gets ready for his #cakesmash.
feel-dont-think:

Little #Montessori man. Errr… #dinosaur? #happyhalloween!
Oct 29, 2013

10/29/13
Almost one year old. 
Dear Nolan, 
I cannot believe a year has almost passed since you came into my life. As I read through these passed journal entries, I can see how far I’ve come as a mother as you have grown. In the beginning I felt lost and alone. I was sleep deprived and a new, naive mother. I remember I used to say “Babies. They just eat, poop and sleep.” never realizing that it was so much more. There were days I felt like I couldn’t survive, that maybe I wasn’t cut out to be a mom at all. Then you would fall asleep in my arms after nursing, or cuddle me close when you were tired and I could feel everything just melt away. Like this was what I was meant to do with my life. My arms were meant to keep you safe and my heart was meant to love you in a way I never dreamed was possible. If you asked me to explain the abundance of love that I have for you, it can only be done in a poor, cliche way. A way that you will never truly understand until you have a baby of your own. It’s as deep as the ocean, and as large as the solar system. It’s never ending. It’s the reason I was born. You, my little Coo Coo, have brought such meaning to my life that I’m hard pressed to remember a time before you. 
In this passed year you have grown so much, by leaps and bounds. I miss having the little baby to hold, the one that just looked at me and smiled. But now I have this wonderful toddler to run after and play with, who tosses me his favorite ball with laughter, just waiting for me to roll it back. Even meal times you have started to exert your independence. Now that you have your one tooth, you prefer to feed yourself. You love french toast, or just bread with butter, cheerios, and sweet potato fries. Times when you used to need me to help feed you are quickly becoming a thing of the past. This makes me happy to see you growing, but so sad to know that years really do pass quickly. 
I started this journal so you could see what I saw; that you could feel what I felt; that you could know that there wasn’t one single day that I didn’t love you unconditionally. There will come a time when you will think I’m doing things to spite you, that I’m doing things because I don’t love you, or don’t want you to have fun. I know those times will hit me hard, for there isn’t a single breath I take without your best interest at heart. I’m learning to enjoy these first few years of unconditional love before it turns conditional on your part. I hope that I never make you feel like you can’t come to me about anything, and that in your heart you will always love me like I love you. 
We are preparing for your first birthday and your party this weekend. I look forward to celebrating this joyous occasion with all of our friends and family. Normally I would feel stressed about it all, but I’m so excited that I can’t think of a reason to worry. Your father and I bought you a red wagon, and your Uncle Billy helped me put it together yesterday. We went for a trip around the block and it seemed that nothing else made you happier. On Thursday it’ll be your sweet chariot for trick or treating, and what an exciting time that will be. 

I’ll write one more letter before these get tucked away in your time capsule. 

I love you. 
August 23, 2013

8/23/2013

9+ Months
Dear Nolan, 
Hello my little boo! 

You are currently taking a nap so I am stealing this time to give you an update on how your life has changed over the last few weeks. 

You have begun crawling, if that’s what we can call it. You mostly just crawl as if you were in the trenches during WWII. You use your arms to slither you across the floor and your right leg to push you forward. Lord knows why you just don’t get up on all fours, but you apparently like to do things the hard way. Because of this, you hate crawling. Lol. You whine a lot trying to get from one place to the other and much prefer to walk. 
Actually, this past Saturday you took your first steps on your own! It was outside on the grass in front of the house, where you Gpa released you and you teetered over to me. It was only about 3 full steps, but since then you want to try and walk everywhere. That usually means I have zero down time when you’re awake, because if I leave you for a second, you cry. I’m happy you’re cute or we’d have a real problem. 
You’ve been sleeping through the night more lately. Since Sunday, you’ve slept through the night 3 out of 5 days! And two of those mornings, you didn’t wake until 7. Your dad and I are still sleeping on the couch, although last night when you got up, we went into the bedroom. It’s hard for me to sleep with you in the room! I am so conscious of your movement that I spend most of the night in a twilight. Hopefully in the next 6 months we will be out of here and I can have a good nights sleep at some point. 
Your new favorite things are : Your touch and feel books (You love them. You love them to the point that if a book isn’t touch and feel, you do it anyway. And you only feel with one finger, it’s quite adorable). Your big, bouncy blue ball. Homemade rattles (stellina in a closed cup!). Not to mention your empty coffee cup - you will pretty much choose this over anything else. 
Today we are heading to the beach. Once you wake up, we will go pick up your grandparents and be on our way. Should be fun! 

Love you